THE SITUATION ROOM- CNN’s Wolf Blitzer broke news this morning that Americans should be “very worried”. “It’s really just all going to shit” Blitzer reported, “Everything is crazy. Have you ever really thought about cars? We let normal people just pilot these death machines. Even your cell phone is probably giving you cancer and your kitten has toxoplasmosis. Look it up, now that is scary stuff. You all need to be very seriously afraid right now. Go freak out. Stay tuned.”

Anderson Cooper, whose face had shifted from “very concerned” to “notably anxious”, chimed in from across the studio with a shout of “He means it! Shit’s hitting the fan!”

After a quick commercial break, Blitzer returned to reiterate that behind his beard was a face of deep, deep worry. He offered viewers a short slideshow of pictures from such famous disasters as hurricane Katrina, typhoon Haiyan, and The Hangover Part III. He then invited his great aunt Karen, who doesn’t leave her house, to provide expert insight. “It’s madness!” she said “If your nuclear fallout shelter isn’t stocked, you’d better change that now. Don’t worry, this tin foil hat blocks out the aliens’ mind-reading rays. It should buy us some time”

Blitzer hurriedly reminded people that Kraft Foods make the perfect snack to keep in your shelter, and that entering the coupon code “ENDISNIGH” at checkout will save consumers 10% at Kraft.com, before returning to reading transcripts of 911 calls and reading viewer input from Twitter. “Just remember,” he said, “someone somewhere dies every 5 seconds You could be next, and you probably are. Stay tuned!”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…