As yet another accusation of orchestrating mass murder rocks the administration of Presdient Bashar Al-Assad, yet another report has come out of the US Embassy confirming that the dictator elect also eats pizza with a fork and knife, exactly like that guy in Wilbur Dining. And like that guy, Bashar Al-Assad is a total asshole.

The advocacy group Human Rights Watch reports,  “New intelligence shows that Mr. Assad stands at the helm of an extensive network of torture and murder and we have photo evidence to prove it. No longer can the world afford to sit idly by. We also have pictures of the man at Bibi’s pizzeria, a restaurant near the presidential palace in Damascus, actually taking the time to cut his slices into little squares with a fork and knife before eating them one by one. He is a true madman, and has undoubtedly forfeited his place in the international community.”

These revelations have only deepened tensions with the Syrian public, who took to the streets with shouts of “Just fold it over in your hand and eat it like a normal fucking person!,” “What else do you eat with a fork, French fries?” And “Also, release all those political prisoners!”

Leaders of international policy have spoken out in condemnation; UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon released a statement saying, “We have tried to work with Mr. Assad. But he really is just the kind of man who goes straight for Western utensils at Asian restaurants; he doesn’t even give the chop sticks a try and ask the waitress for a fork halfway through the meal like the rest of us. Truly, he is a menace whose actions must be stopped.”

Human rights groups across the globe will be on watch in the coming days to see if Mr. Assad also double dips in table servings of ketchup, asks for his steaks well done, or actually has the gall to ask for the burrito-wrapped-in-a-quesadilla at Chipotle.

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