Over the last few weeks, as a result of a polar vortex, East Coast schools have closed, governors have declared states of emergency, and everyone has raided the supermarket believing that this time the newscast would actually be right when it forecasted a large amount of snow. But on Stanford’s campus the polar vortex has sown discontent. “It’s so fucking cold!” said one Palo-Alto native, trying to feel included by digging his ski-trip clothes out of his dirty-laundry bin. “I mean, what is this polar vortex, anyway? 66 goddamn degrees outside with a wind-chill of 63? It’s 8:30 in the morning! Are you fucking kidding me?”

However, others are feeling left out of the polar vortex affecting the rest of the country. The East Coast is too frigid in its values, they complain, and it refuses to warm up to the idea of practicing inclusion, where all states are accepted, regardless of whether or not they receive actual, real-world weather. “It’s like Frosh Formal all over again,” complained one senior who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “I feel like I’m the one who’s always alone. But I’m trying to take the high road. I mean, clearly, the East Coast has its own problems. It just needs to chill out, though. I mean, obviously, this whole ‘polar vortex’ thing is just a desperate plea for attention; I thought we had moved on from that manifestation of the East Coast’s insecurities two weeks ago, but those bastards just can’t seem to let it go.”

And yet, in a metaphoric middle finger to its cross-country brethren, Stanford will be the last man standing; once the East Coast freezes into an uninhabitable mass of ice, the only state left will be California…well, technically Nevada, too, but, whatever.

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