Following dozens of reported cases of Norovirus infection, dorm staff members have reached out to the Centers for Disease Control only to receive some bizarre feedback from the government agency.

“We did a quick Google search for ‘CDC’ and were pleasantly surprised when we immediately found a Stanford-specific website,” explains Cardenal RA Jessie Grumon.  “There were forms for asking questions to different experts, and you could even set up a one-on-one appointment if you wanted to.”

Unfortunately, the feedback provided by the CDC – while not unhelpful – was certainly not what the staff members were looking for.

“You sound really passionate about this issue and we are glad you provided plentiful details,” read one email from a CDC counselor, “But you really need to work on boiling this down to a 30-second elevator pitch.  You need to grab your listeners’ attention right away.  Lead with this phrase here…‘fecally-contaminated food.’  That should do the trick.”

“I guess I’m glad that my résumé is now edited and up-to-date,” explained a confused but suddenly-more-employable PHE, “But I’m not sure how this is going to curtail the sound of vomiting emanating from the second-floor men’s bathroom.”

At press time, the CDC had commented that “crippling nausea” and “relentless diarrhea” were solid buzzwords and should definitely be worked into the cover letter at some point.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…