As the nation reels from the government shutdown, members of Congress have judiciously chosen to get yoked out of their minds at their local and exclusive gym, kept open under executive order by the Speaker of the House. Although national parks are closed and veterans’ benefits are in threat of suspension, the 535 elected officials of the House of Representatives and Senate can still focus on getting swoll in their taxpayer-supported state-of the-art weight room.
Fitness enthusiast Paul Ryan, current representative for Wisconsin’s first congressional district, told Flipside reporters, “Yeah, since I technically can’t work right now because of this whole government thing, I thought that I’d go the gym and get some extra lifting sessions in.” Ryan paused to knock off 10 perfectly benched reps of 145 before interjecting, “I mean, I’ve definitely had to wait longer for some of these liberal pussies to do their 16 year old glamor muscle sets, but it’s worth it at the end of the day when I take off my shirt.”
The Flipside also interviewed Speaker of the House John Boehner, heavily grunting as he finished up a set at the squat rack. The Republican, brow sweaty and quadriceps bulging, scoffed, “You see Paul’s scrawny legs over there? That’s what happens when you skip leg day.” Boehner continued to chuckle knowingly as he marched to the leg press machine and bullied Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, out of his reservation on the machine.
After receiving word of the opening of the Congressional gym and public disapproval of the action, Michelle Obama issued a public statement denouncing the slovenliness of Congress. “I’m the busiest housewife in all of the United States and I’ve been exercising for years. You think these shredded arms and sculpted legs are an accident?” The First Lady concluded, “Like really, Congress, do you even lift?”