After years of allocating housing through an inefficient draw system, the Office of the University President announced today that it will be opening up Stanford real estate to the free market.  Many believe that the move is motivated by the school’s recent successful forays into privatizing dining and investing directly in student start-ups.
“Until now, rent controls really limited the flexibility we had as an institution to bring in the money that finances the school’s success,” explained a Stanford official in the recent press release, “By opening up real estate to the highest bidder, we can take advantage of the true market value of properties we own across campus.”

The new changes have had a dramatic impact on students and faculty alike. The Physics department is scrambling to secure leases on off-campus office space near SLAC, while the Psychology department is petitioning to protect the famous halls of the Stanford Prison Experiment as historical landmarks before it is evicted next month. Both departments will be replaced by Venture Capital firms looking to gain more direct access to the talent on campus.

Many Computer Science and pre-professional students, most of whom can afford to continue on-campus housing, have expressed concerns about fulfilling Humanities GERs, as most of these classes will be relocated to cheaper locations farther away from campus. In response, the University has planned an expansion to its Marguerite shuttle routes, as well as announcing that the bus service itself will soon be contracted out to the lowest bidding rental car company.

These changes, President John Hennessy says, are just a glimpse of the radical transformations the school has in store. “Right now, we are working with a team of the best tax lawyers in the nation. They’ve suggested writing off the humanities as capital losses – which they really are. Another option is to take our plans from New York and turn them into a satellite campus in the Caymans.”

As a pioneering institution, these changes are an exciting glimpse into what the future holds for higher education around the world.

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