1. Get leeches from Vaden:
Now that the death count has passed 200, Vaden is handing out free leeches to all students. Make sure to practice regular bloodletting to avoid contracting the plague. If your roommate has the plague, do them a favor and get them some leeches too.

2. Make sure to wear your bird mask outside:
If you happen to be a nobleman or a doctor, you may have access to a bird mask. Just place some lavender or ambergris in the nose of the mask, put it on, and you’re good to go! No bad air will be infecting you, fine sir!

3. Avoid Serfs:
The serfs, due to their lives in dirty squalor, are breeding ground for plague. Do your best to avoid them – as a nobleman, you already should be doing this.

4. Dispose of infected corpses:
Bring out your dead! While the Stanford Medical School has no idea why, those living in close quarters with the corpses of plague victims seem to get the plague as well. The administration asks that you bring the corpses of your roommates to the main quad by Friday, when they will be burned by a Christian minister, so that all of their souls don’t eternally suffer in Hell.

5. Lance your Buboes:
If you have the plague, the imbalance of your humors may manifest itself in large pus-filed sores called buboes. Make sure to lance them on a regular basis.

6. Wash your Hands:
Remember to use only the freshest swine tallow in curing your soap.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…