Hey, you. Yeah, you fuckface. That’s right, I just insulted you with the hopes of riling you up into attacking me. What are you gonna do about it? Hit me? Come on, you know you want to. No? Alright. Well…your mother is so fat that…um, her volume would be an improper integral. Haha! I asserted my intellectual superiority and demeaned one of your close personal relatives! You must feel preeetty bad right about now. Maybe even bad enough to want to fight me.

Still nothing? Seriously? Okay, that’s alright. Are you a freshman? News flash: no one gives a shit. Not a freshman? That’s ok, you’re probably too busy preparing for that internship at Google you’re not going to win to read this anyway. That’s it. You have to fight me now. Seriously. What’s left?

Hey! Focus here, I’m still talking to you. Do you live in Stern? Fuck Stern. FloMo? More like BlowMo. The row? You must have so many crazy stories to tell. C’mon, I’m running out of ideas here. Just someone fight me, please? Just one little fight.  You’re a girl? I’m not above that.  No one will find out.

Editor’s Note: I’ll meet you behind Old Union tonight at midnight.

You May Also Like

Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t…

Op-Ed: One Time an Athlete in a Golf Cart Ran Over My Dog and When I Asked Him to Apologize He Laughed and Ran Over My Cat

My tale begins way back when I was a wee frosh, I…

ASSU Senate Bid Already Derailed by Whorehouse Scandal

Scandal has rocked the ASSU Senate race this year as prospective ASSU…

Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry

Responding to the protests that have emerged in the wake of George…