Eight-legged prospective Class of 2018 applicant Eric Nid was initially confident that his years of web building would ensure his acceptance into Stanford.

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After trawling through hundreds of College Confidential posts, however, he wasn’t feeling quite so fly.  “How could he possibly have this much online traffic?

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” Puzzled Nid while reading a fellow prospect’s stats. “It takes me ages to rebuild my web every time someone goes through it.

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Unfortunately for our hairy friend, this was only the beginning of the thread of doubts that would eventually wrap him up so tightly that he couldn’t even write a personal statement, let alone escape from venomous predators.  “I asked my admissions officer friend how I could improve my application, and she told me my essays made it seem like all I did was ‘hang out on the Web all day’ and ‘viciously incapacitate, murder, and consume innocent passers-by,’ reported Nid.

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“She even told me I shouldn’t include my dance supplement because I had four left feet.”

The discouraged arachnid decided to apply instead for a job working with bugs for the NSA, where he could sneak into peoples’ houses to his heart’s content.

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