Eight-legged prospective Class of 2018 applicant Eric Nid was initially confident that his years of web building would ensure his acceptance into Stanford. After trawling through hundreds of College Confidential posts, however, he wasn’t feeling quite so fly.  “How could he possibly have this much online traffic?” Puzzled Nid while reading a fellow prospect’s stats. “It takes me ages to rebuild my web every time someone goes through it.”

Unfortunately for our hairy friend, this was only the beginning of the thread of doubts that would eventually wrap him up so tightly that he couldn’t even write a personal statement, let alone escape from venomous predators.  “I asked my admissions officer friend how I could improve my application, and she told me my essays made it seem like all I did was ‘hang out on the Web all day’ and ‘viciously incapacitate, murder, and consume innocent passers-by,’ reported Nid. “She even told me I shouldn’t include my dance supplement because I had four left feet.”

The discouraged arachnid decided to apply instead for a job working with bugs for the NSA, where he could sneak into peoples’ houses to his heart’s content.

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