If you’re like me and you live on Earth, you’ve noticed the latest craze to seize the Facebooking masses. You may have even done it yourself– copy-pasted a long quasi-legal warning to Zuckerberg and the Facebookettes, Inc, asserting your god given right to do whatever you want with your 3000+ photos of your feet in a circle with all your friends’ feet. And if you’re really like me, when you saw this trend you gave a great chortle, put on some Lana del Rey, broke open a new box of Franzia, and scrolled through the front page of Reddit, downvoting everything as you went. If you’re like me, it’s already too late, and they’ve taken you away. Learn from my mistake, learn and save yourself. I didn’t post a notice to Facebook and honestly, for the next few days i didn’t give it much thought. Imagine my surprise when two imposing men in Facebook-blue suits came knocking on my door. They asked my name. They confirmed my Facebook URL. And then they escorted me to a van.

Facebook’s new policy does not only transfer ownership of your statuses and photos to Overlord Zuckerburg – he legally owns my life now. They allowed me to call a lawyer, but after looking through the paperwork, my legal advisor informed me that everything was in order. ‘Is there any chance,’ he asked, ‘that you posted something on Facebook itself insisting that you are not Facebook’s slave?’ I could only shake my head and despair quietly. One of the repo-men sent to collect me chuckled, made a thumbs-up and said ‘Steve Likes this.’

I arrived the next day at Facebook’s coal mines. You see, maintaining all those profiles and news feeds takes a lot of energy, energy that Facebook gets from good old-fashioned coal-burning engines. Now I labor in their coal mines in the southwestern United States to keep the Facebook behemoth afloat. I’ve met other repo’d Facebook users here. When we arrived they first sorted us into those who could work and those who were too weak or old. I went with the able bodied straight into the mines. The rest, I hear, are put to work scouring newsfeeds to compile statuses about similar topics into single notifications. ‘Matt LaVan and 13 others checked in at Facebook’s Mines.’ ‘Matt LaVan and 7 others have commented on The Waking Nightmare That Their Lives Have Become.’

If they haven’t come for you yet, then make haste- tell Facebook it can’t sell your photos, tell Facebook your statuses are your property, and mention that you are a FREE human being who cannot be transported to New Mexico and shackled to a boulder while you work until you literally collapse from exhaustion.

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