COLUMBIA (AP) – On Monday, the public relations representative for Michael Phelps was forced to face difficult questions about an alleged photo of the Olympian smoking marijuana out of a bong. The photo was taken at the University of South Carolina where Phelps was apparently trying to get a “well-deserved piece of ass” by testing his lung capacity. The initial fear from Phelps’ friends and family was that the photo would hurt his sterling image both at home and abroad. However, analysts from the Brickman Institute for Popularity Analysis, a think tank in Washington focused on the comparative “coolness” of people in the media, thinks that the picture could enhance his image and make Phelps seem more “badass.” One witness reportedly said, “He looked just as natural with a bong in his hand as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medalist of bong hits.” According to Michael Rothschild of the Brickman Institute, “Being called the Gold Medalist of Bong Hits ranks within the top two percent on our Bad-ass scale, a point only reached by Bob Marley and Dick Cheney after shooting that guy in the face.”
Already, we have seen confirmation of Rosthchild’s analysis on an international level, with the city of Amesterdam offering Phelps a multi-million dollar endorsement deal, and the country of Jamaica offering Phelps honorary citizenship and “some really good shit, man.” In the US too, Phelps is being invited to more parties than ever before with sources reporting that both Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen are interested in the Olympian. Even President Barack Obama has reportedly telephoned Phelps, asking him to help deplete the “White House Stash” before things start getting hot in the Oval Office.
So overall, this debacle could have a very positive effect for the 23-year-old, just as long as his metabolism can handle it. As it is, Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day. But with the munchies, witnesses reported that the Olympian tried to eat two small Korean children and three Big-Macs. Unfortunately, he couldn’t finish the third Big-Mac.