Report: Some Shit Happening on Other Side of the World

As elections in the United States draw to a close and citizens return to their normal media consumption habits, international sources are reporting that there is, allegedly, some shit happening on the other side of the world. These sources have yet to be confirmed, but have been known to be reliable in the past. The extent of the shit is not yet known.

Preliminary reports indicate that there is some serious shit going down in Syria, where King Bashar al A-Something is up to no good. The Arab nation, which it’s safe to assume is an enemy of the United States, seems to be in the middle of either a massive celebration or a major coup. It is not yet known which, but pictures on the cover of the newspaper make it look like some people might be dying.

In other news, shit continues to go down in China where the Communist party is in the process of picking a new emperor. While some believe the new guy is going to be the son of the old guy, sources somewhere in Asia are reporting that’s actually North Korea where the change of power happened a year ago. For the moment, we will classify China as a “developing situation.”

Finally, we have it on good authority that the conflict between Israel and Palestine has yet to be resolved, Vladimir Putin is still doing things and, no doubt, various parts of Africa remain wartorn. Should these situation develop, we’ll be sure to let you know. Good luck on midterms!