The National rankings for college consumption of alcohol are out and once again Stanford ranks slightly below the national average. The survey was run by the Core Institute, the largest national Alcohol and Other Drug (AOD) office dedicated to students’ drug use and drinking in the nation. According to Office of Alcohol Policy and Education (OAPE) at Stanford, Stanford is far below other prestigious schools’ alcohol rankings, including Harvard, Princeton, and Dartmouth fraternities.

Stanford Admissions staff have raised concerns that these statistics may prevent high-achieving students from applying. “We are ranked 1st in our Business school, 5th among medical schools, and 2nd among law schools. We’ve created a certain atmosphere of success at Stanford where our students are expected to strive to surpass the national average; it starts with alcohol consumption, then we’ll fall behind in other categories as well, and next thing you know we’re no better than Cal!”

To combat these falling averages, Undergraduate Advising is offering alcohol office hours every Friday and Saturday evening from 6 pm to 1 am to assist with drinking and provide enough alcohol for students to perform well on their alcohol consumption grades. Director of the newly created Office of Alcohol and Party Education Ralph Castro has encouraging news. “We are still above the national average in shotgunning and the wine-cheese-and-cracker triathlon. But we have a lot of work to do in chugging, cross-fading, and general debauchery.”

“I was used to being the best at everything in high school; being below other universities in alcohol consumption is unacceptable!” said freshman Nicole Noops. Another student, Bobby Fish, declared “I thought that our alcohol use would be graded on a curve! I am definitely going to pick up my game.”

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