Yesterday afternoon, the U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed a severe case of Sad Cow Disease in a dairy cow from Glenwood, California–contradicting the oft-cited fact that happy cows come from California. According to the USDA report, the onset of the illness was abrupt and unexpected. The affected cow, named Daisy, was apparently doing fine until several days ago. Indeed, she has been described by friends and acquaintances as a cheerful character who enjoys the simple pleasures of having her udders pulled and chewing her own cud.

In recent days, though, Daisy has been observed moaning uncontrollably, avoiding other cows, and binging on grass. “I knew something was wrong when I heard the tone of her moo,” said her cousin Spot. A thorough psychological evaluation confirmed the suspected diagnosis of Sad Cow Disease.

The news about Daisy has created a widespread panic across the country, since Sad Cow Disease can easily spread to humans if they eat contaminated meat. People are terrified of another incident like the Sad Cow Disease outbreak of the 1970s, during which thousands of infected Americans went through a horrible progression of symptoms: feeling worthless, mooing instead of speaking, losing interest in daily activities, lactating excessively, and eventually dying.

To calm the public, USDA officials have stated that the risk of an outbreak is very small and that they are taking extra precautions–like providing hoof massages, playing Robin Williams movie marathons, and organizing trips to amusement parks and casinos–to keep all of America’s cows happy.

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