This past Saturday, pop megastar Rihanna revealed what her fans have long been waiting for: the exact location of the “hopeless place” in which she found love, according to her newest hit, “We Found Love”.
“There’s a back alley just off Canal Street in New York, right behind this hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant” said Rihanna, twirling an umbrella and smiling promiscuously, “and there’s this dumpster in that alley that’s yellow and sort of diamond-shaped. It’s lit up by this broken streetlamp. It just seemed so…hopeless.”
Rihanna then reportedly opened the dumpster, inside of which she found famed DJ Calvin Harris eating rotten deli meats and wearing a can of Goya black beans on his head like a party hat. Rihanna said she was “instantly enamored” and asked Harris to write the song with her, among other things.
According to reports, this revelation has caused fans to scour the dumpsters of New York City, searching for obscure pop stars to satisfy their emotional needs.