Announcing their arrival by firing a cannon across the entrance to the Vaden Health Center, chaos descended on the Stanford Sexual Health Peer Resource Center last Friday afternoon with the arrival of the dreaded Sex Pirates.

“If ye value yar miserable lives, hand over all yar flavored water and silicone based lubricants,” yelled the first mate of the Sex Pirate ship, Ritchie Coitus. Ritchie later explained in an interview that the mission of the Sex Pirates is “murderin’, sailin’ the seven seas, and practicin’ safe, consensual sex with stolen contraceptives and toys yo-ho-ho.”

Jessica Franklin (’18), a psychology major and peer health educator who manages SHPRC by day, described her confusion at the arrival of the 35-man motley crew of Sex Pirates. “I’m not totally sure how they found us, whether it was the cognate of our acronym or the services we offer or both, but they took about $300 of our stock which is definitely a bummer.”

“Take whatever ye can hold boys!” roared Captain Dildo good-naturedly as his crew dumped shelves of SHPRC’s store into various bags and chests. “AAARRR, on my mother’s grave it’s a good day to be a pirate who wants to be fully prepared for fun, inclusive intercourse!!”

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