Sources close to Arnold Schwarzenegger report that the former governor of California has traveled thirteen years back into the past with the express purpose of nipping his current extramarital affair scandal in the bud. Pedro Salavarra, Schwarzenegger’s head gardener, told the Flipside that he last saw the lifter-turned-star-turned-politician running out the back door of his mansion, naked and armed with nothing but a 1998 phonebook and his favorite Shake Weight. “I immediately assumed the worst,” said Salavarra. “I feel like I once saw something like this happen in a movie.”

California’s top scientists and science fiction writers have all been summoned to Sacramento to discuss the potential ramifications of Schwarzenegger’s actions. “It’s really kind of crazy to think about,” giggled theoretical physicist Dr. Martin Warner. “I mean, it could be just awful–if while trying to terminate the staffer Mr. Schwarzenegger accidentally catches himself with her in bed, a vicious self-propagating paradoxical cycle of annihilation could ensue. The results could be catastrophic for our universe.”

Perry Simon, best-selling fiction author, expressed outright admiration for Schwarzenegger’s bravery: “I don’t know where he got the idea to solve his present problems by going back to the past to kill this lady, but I just love it. What initiative. What a great concept for a story.”

Within hours of the first reports of Schwarzenegger’s journey, rumors surfaced that the son he had fathered as a result of his indiscretions had followed him into the past. It seems that the future of humanity rests on the outcome of their battle, and at this point one can only sit back, watch, and hope for the best.

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