Late Wednesday night, sources report that two low-level NFL staffers deflated the tires on Tom Brady’s personal vehicle as part of the league’s new pilot program for disciplining its employees.
“We want to ensure that the punishment fits the crime in these high-profile cases,” commissioner Roger Goodell announced in a press conference. “And I know they say ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,’ but fortunately I’ve been blind when it comes to player discipline for years.”
Brady was reportedly furious with the commissioner’s decision, pointing out that he was now no longer able to drive home to his supermodel wife and his Brookline, MA mansion, instead having to take the T with other chowder-mouthed Bostonians. Brady said, “I want you to let the commissioner know that I hate this punishment. This is the worst thing that could happen to me. Worse than banning me. Way worse than that. He should definitely follow through with this punishment, which I really hate.”
Originally, Brady was supposed to be banned for four games following the commissioner’s desire to introduce a more stringent disciplinary system after his comprehensive failure to react to the domestic violence problems that have plagued the league. However, that suspension was overturned on appeal this Sunday when Goodell realized that it would result in a loss in advertising revenue, the backbone of the NFL’s ever-expanding circle of injustice and moral failure.
Brady will be expected to return for opening weekend, feet slightly tired from the walk from the South Shore commuter rail.