After blacking out for an entire day on January 18th, Wikipedia reportedly had a huge headache and felt like it couldn’t eat anything, even though it knew it really should have.

Wikipedia awoke on January 19th to find almost all its articles reduced to stubs, and nearly every citation missing. In addition, the online encyclopedia checked its wallet and discovered the “A Personal Appeal from Jimmy Wales” donations had been stolen.

“I didn’t even have that much to drink,” said Wikipedia as it popped about 7 Tylenol into its mouth to try to get rid of the dial-up sound that kept ringing in its head. “I remember talking to Reddit. See, I remember. I’m fine.”

After examining Wikipedia’s texts, analysts have concluded that it is really dangerous to binge-protest anti-piracy bills. One embarrassing text said, “fffffffuuuuuuuuuuu sopajkljjkhjk!! ; /,” but Wikipedia claimed that it was auto-correct. Observers agree that Wikipedia’s behavior was certainly not in accordance with community standards.

Jealous of all of Wikipedia’s attention, Google tried bragging that it had blacked out too. However, Facebook said that Google totally didn’t get any action, only had a couple drinks, and barely even browned out.

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