According to the results of a groundbreaking study performed at Harvard Medical School, heart disease is a purely psychological condition. Previously, scientists believed that heart disease was caused by a complex combination of factors such as high blood pressure, obesity, and heredity. However, a series of experiments demonstrated that the whole problem is within the mind of the sufferer. “We discovered that the only reason these people are sick is because they actually want to have plaque clogging their arteries, intense chest pain, and high risk of death,” explained Dr. Mitchell Narbower, head author of the study. “If they would just decide to have healthy hearts, they would be fine.” In response to this work, doctors have replaced traditional heart disease treatments–like medication and surgery–with treatments designed to improve happiness and psychological calmness, like sitting around in comfy chairs and eating lots of fatty foods.