STANFORD, CA—The worst dreams of Band-Aid® have finally come true.

At the culmination of a 4-year study, a group of Stanford Medical students have confirmed that a mother’s kiss will indeed heal her son’s boo-boos. The announcement came through the head of the Stanford Medical School, Ph.D and M.D. Dr. David Thomas.

“This study will change the world of medicine forever.” Thomas proudly smiled and continued, “A certain chemical reaction occurs with the lips of a mother and a child’s bumps, bruises, scratches, cuts, and owwies. Consequently, the wounds heal almost twice as fast as those not touched by maternal lips.”

These findings have shaken the economy to say the least. Sales of band-aids and first aid supplies have dropped astronomically, while moms across the world are offering kisses for money on the black market.

Stay-at-home dad Mark Winter explained the predicament, “When my wife is out I’m the one watching the kids at home. If my son trips and scrapes his knee I can’t wait all day for her to get home from work to kiss him, so I’ll drive my son to the corner of 12th and 42nd where there are plenty of moms willing to kiss his knee for money.”

Today, Congress debates the legality of this newly improvised system sweeping the country and Stanford begins a study to test if a child’s performance improves when his uptight father yells critical encouragement during a little league sporting event.

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