Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney returned to Nashua, NH Sunday after what campaign managers tersely described as “an eventful night in Las Vegas in which Governor Romney took some time off to relax from the rigors of the campaign trail.” Anonymous sources close to the Massachusetts businessman, however, described Romney’s ‘cocaine-fueled sexual appetite,’ which led him to wed three topless dancers, a mother-daughter prostitute team, and longtime Texas congressman Ron Paul.
Hours after the Las Vegas Republican debate came to a close, security cameras at Harrah’s Resort and Casino captured Romney leaving the craps table with a blonde woman under each arm, proceeding to a limousine with the vanity plate “MITSBTCH, and driving in the direction of the Strip. Few facts have come to light about what proceeded, but records at local establishment Tunnel of Love Drive-Thru Wedding Chapel show the 3 a.m. matrimony between “Willard Mitt Romney” and “Ronald Ernest Paul”.
“I remember they were both dressed up in purple suits and grinning like idiots,” said pastor Jim Calveras who presided over the ceremony. “They high-fived and Mitt said ‘Let’s see those Hangover bitches top that one!’ Ron asked if this was even legal, but they decided that they didn’t give a fuck.”
Aides say that a disheveled but grinning Romney returned to his campaign bus at approximately 6:30 a.m., slurring the words to Don’t Stop Believin’ and was then taken into protective custody by his staff.
When asked at the New Hampshire town meeting about his wild night, Romney reportedly winked, said “What happens in Vegas…” and then launched into an extremely boring diatribe about the differences between his health care plan and Obama’s.