Freshman Crams Lifetime’s Worth of Failure into Single Year

With Spring Quarter reaching its halfway point, the freshmen begin to reflect on the trials and successes of their first year in college. For some, being at Stanford meant finding acceptance and companionship with some of the brightest students in the world. For others, like freshman Dylan King, the year was a nonstop marathon of failure and rejection. Although King had spent his entire life before Stanford succeeding at every turn, he managed to compress all 18 years-worth of failure into three short quarters.

King’s year at Stanford began with the final acceptance of his life thus far: being admitted to PWR 1, the Rhetoric of Happiness shortly before arriving to campus. The floodgates of defeat were opened when King first auditioned for and was rejected by every single discrete group of students on this campus. From a cappella groups, to comedy troupes, to small gatherings of people in and around dining halls.

The Flipside spoke with this loser last week to hear about his social life. “There were all of these intelligent, beautiful girls in my dorm, so naturally I spit some ‘Dylan King’ game” King said, “And I was brutally rejected.  So I decided to commit to my academics and got straight C’s. I suck.”

As of press time, King was seen receiving a D on a paper and getting a nosebleed.