An independent investigation conducted by the Stanford Flipside has found that the Wellness Room is actually a cover for a fetish-themed sex motel. A room with multicolored beanbags and fingerpaint to “eliminate stress?” Let’s get real.

Suspicions have existed since its inception that the Wellness Room was no more than a front for some kind of illicit activity, but no one could be positive. In order to bring the truth to light, The Flipside sent one of its reporters undercover as a blue beanbag. Her findings barely scratch the surface of the deep underworld that is the fetish-themed-sex-market at Stanford University.

The undercover investigation found that students sneak into the Wellness Room after hours, behave like 5-year-olds, and fingerpaint each other’s naked bodies. The Wellness Room is being used to fulfill the fantasies of Stanford’s most depraved individuals (Note that the idea originated in the ASSU).

While the findings of the investigation are undeniably disturbing, the students who participated in the late-night-fetishy-sex-romp exhibited lower levels of stress than the average student, demonstrating once and for all, that the Wellness Room does indeed decrease stress. The irony, we hope, has not been lost on anybody.

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