News broke this week about a list of fitness classes being distributed to the sexually easier members of the Stanford community. The list is designed to give certain members of the Stanford community an unfair advantage in the bedroom.

Well-known fratboy Will, who’s known campus-wide for being easy to sleep with, said the list is available in the lounges of all Row houses.

Ellie ‘14, who has already gotten with over half of the guys in her freshman dorm since September, said she never would have been able to accomplish that without the help of the list. “It’s obvious my Yoga and Abs & Glutes classes have helped me sleep around with more dudes.”

Some controversy has arisen over the fact that the list is not made available in residences known to house the sexually frustrated, such as Munger and the second floor of Burbank. Said Dean Julie Lythcott-Haims, “Yeah, that makes sense.”

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