Stanford’s cross country team was thrown into chaos last week after one of its members accidentally purchased whole milk for the team at a local grocery store this past Sunday.

“It seemed like a normal gallon of milk, but I must have been a little disoriented from not eating all week. Once I brought it home everyone just went crazy.”

“I thought I’d been poisoned,” said one member of the team, who asked to remain anonymous given the embarrassing nature of the incident. “It all happened so fast. To think we had consumed a drink with calories.” Her face went pale. “We’re not going to be able to win a race for weeks—you can be sure that girls on the other cross-country teams wouldn’t make a rookie mistake like this one.”

“I didn’t even think grocery stores were allowed to sell whole milk on Sunday,” said the team’s trainer who received 42 sobbing phone calls that night from the women’s team.

Following this ordeal, dining halls across campus have been asked to help get the girls back to normal. According to Eric Montell, Executive Director of Stanford Dining, dining halls will help the girls by offering “diet water” to victims of what has now been dubbed “The Whole Milk Incident.” (Collison)

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