New Horoscope App Tells You Whether Crush Likes You, As Well As Exact Date And Time Of Your Death

January 24, 2020 10:04 am
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New Horoscope App Tells You Whether Crush Likes You, As Well As Exact Date And Time Of Your Death

Riding the wave of recent horoscope hysteria, California-based app developer Code Zone released an app this morning called Astro-Logic that not only knows whether or not your crush is into you, but can also predict the exact date and time of your inevitable demise.

“Look, we’re just giving the people what they want, and according to every Mission Impossible movie I’ve seen, what they want is sex and death,” said app engineer Dirk Douglas from the comfort of his ergonomic beanbag chair located in the center of the Code Zone office ball-pit. “Sure, critics will tell you that it’s unethical to use the movement of the planets to precisely calculate such life-defining moments, but let’s be honest: if I was worried about the ethical implications of my work I wouldn’t have pursued a career in tech.”

“I love this app because it’s accurate as fuck,” said app user Christine Lawson on her way to hot pillow yoga. “Like look, here’s my horoscope for today: You’re tall and tan. Your wallet’s getting bigger. You will die at 2:47pm on August 28th, 2020 as a result of complications from heart surgery which will lead you to the bottle, resulting in a car accident and a traumatic head injury that seeps blood into your eyes, causing you to wander blindly for 300 yards on the side of the road until you trip into the open doors of a Red Pine wood-chipper.”

With the success of the app, Code Zone is now one of the fastest growing tech companies in Silicon Valley, with employees ranging from 20-something-year-old white guys to 30-something-year-old white guys. At press time, it was announced that the first software patch for Astro-Logic is already under development and will offer premium in-app purchases for users who desire such information as how much media coverage their death will receive, along with which of their family members will actually attend the funeral.

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