Staring vacantly into the crowd covering their address, the National Association of Creeps reported yesterday that local woman Maria Richards’ hair looks really soft. Coming from across the country to share their findings with the press, the Association informed reporters that not only does Maria definitely have really soft hair, but she also has eyes like bright, cerulean orbs glinting with the promise of a thousand lost worlds.

“She has such pretty hair,” whispered creepy spokesperson Hubert Mills softly into the microphone, breathing audibly from only inches away. “The nicest I’ve ever seen. Like a porcelain doll. She has doll’s hair. And those eyes—they’re like little galaxies, filled with trembling hope. I wish she knew that I think that. I want her to know that.”

Casting his glazed eyes on the visibly uncomfortable crowd of reporters, Mills continued in an elevated tone, “I WANT her to know that.”

Shifting unsteadily from side to side for several moments, Mills then reportedly left the podium and sat heavily on the edge of the stage. Slumped over, making earnest efforts at incomprehensible speech, Mills was then removed by several of his creep companions.

Sources confirmed that Moriarty James, another local creep, stood-in for Mills for the remainder of the press conference. “The thing is too, she has a voice like an angel, like a real live angel,” James blabbered into the microphone, slurring his words and shaking intensely from excitement. “Like, she could be a singer. I know she’s a teacher—she teaches at Riverside Elementary, down the road, from 8:00 until 4:00 in the evening, 7:00 if she’s grading papers, and then she leaves and goes home to 108 East Oakdale Drive, and she goes to sleep at 11:00, so peaceful, so soft—but she should be a singer. I want to tell her she should be a singer.”

“Maria!” James cried aloud, spitting aggressively into the microphone. “I want you to sing! SING for meeeeeeee!”

Sources confirmed that James then danced a slight jig on the stage, while several reporters quietly dialed 911.

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