A Letter from Stanford Deity, MemChu Jesus

October 14, 2014 9:00 am
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A Letter from Stanford Deity, MemChu Jesus

I am extremely disappointed in all of you. Have you no shame? No dignity? No respect? This was once a place of worship, a place in which the greatest minds of their time unveiled their bounteous thoughts to the heavens. And now you defile it, in front of My own eyes, the Memorial Church Jesus, by rubbing your filthy parts together just like the heathens who sentenced me to death. Forgot about that shit, didn’t you? Maybe you were too busy sticking your tongues down each other’s throats and trying so very, very hard not to ruin it with your ‘friend’ Melissa. Well, guess what, she’s not into you. How do I know? I’m omnipotent, you dumbfuck! How do you think I know? Here’s an idea; maybe you should spend less time living your own version of Nerds Gone Wild and spend a little more time paying homage to Me, the One who looks down on the Quad and sees everything. That’s right, everything, you depraved Synergy freaks. I haven’t seen shit like that since Sodom and Gomorrah!

I do have one question for you immoral heathens: how many of you know that the Memorial Church mosaics contain over 20,000 distinct shades of color? Oh, none of you? How unsurprising! Now, hands up if you know what flavor of lip balm that hot girl down the hall uses! You all disgust me. How dare you have an orgy in front of a fucking church, no less! You know who also had orgies? The Romans, those bastards who killed me! And now you want to desecrate my image by grinding on each other in full view of My house here on campus. What the hell are you even thinking? I knew I should have told Dad to stop once he got done with the sun. This human being shit has caused me nothing but trouble; I regret dying for you all! Just fucking calm it down, and remember, I know what you did last Wednesday.