Earlier this week, in an attempt to regain internet browser market share, Microsoft unveiled its new Dora the Internet Explorer web browser.

The new browser includes a radically reworked graphical user interface, which prominently features Dora, the iconic little brown girl from the children’s show Dora the Explorer, who hovers next to the address bar. Dora cheerfully offers various internet browsing tips while also teaching simple Spanish phrases.

The browser includes built-in anti-viral software that renders spy-ware and viruses in the form of Swiper, a mischievous fox who repeatedly attempts to steal from Dora and her friends. Dora quickly responds to Swiper’s arrival by repeating the phrase, “Swiper, no swiping!” three times, which triggers multiple anti-viral quarantine and disposal algorithms.

To promote wide adoption of the new browser Microsoft controversially implemented an automatic backdoor update that replaced all existing versions of Internet Explorer upon connection to the internet, regardless of user consent.

“The Dora browser is an abomination!” wrote Michael Arrington, founder of the web publication TechCrunch and one of the most vocal critics the new browser. “No matter what, Dora is always there. Always. Smothering me with her unblinking stare. Watching me. Judging me.”

In other tech news, web traffic analysts at Alexa have noted a recent 48% drop in web traffic across all major adult websites, a trend coinciding, oddly enough, with the release of the new Dora browser.

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