Last Wednesday, the student body of Stanford was devastated when freshman Jack Porter spilled a full glass of skim milk on the floor of Lag Dining. Immediately following the spill, President Cardona was contacted and alerted of the disaster. But rather than responding immediately, Cardona waited a full half hour before she appeared on the scene to console victims and direct the milk clean-up effort.

The milk spill was traumatic for Laggers, many of whom were seen drenched in milk and holding half-empty glasses. Tens of bewildered victims with half-shaved milk mustaches were seen roaming around Lag Dining. Woeful cries of “Got milk?” could be heard from all floors of Roble.

In light of the slow response, Cardona has received widespread criticism. “I just don’t understand how she could ignore us when we needed her help,” said Erika Harker ‘11.

Daniel Nguyen ‘12 thought Cardona’s inaction was intentional. “I know that if this spill had happened on the other side of campus, Cardona would’ve been there in a second. The real reason for Cardona’s absence is obvious–Cardona don’t like Lag people.”

President Cardona issued a statement justifying her response. “Obviously, this is a serious challenge, but my mother told me never to cry over spilled milk. When I heard about the disaster, I got to Lag as soon as I could. There are those who think my response was too slow, who claim that this spill is my ‘Hurricane Katrina,’” Cardona continued, “but those people don’t understand how hard I’ve worked to stop this milk from going sour. I absorbed excess milk with a paper towel. I posted milk safety signs to stop such a spill from happening again. I’ve worked with milkmen from all around campus.”

Though Cardona has received a great deal of criticism, some think her performance has been praiseworthy. “I think people are making this larger than it needs to be,” said Katrina historian Douglas Brinkley. “This spill wasn’t anything like Katrina. Compared to that disaster, this was nothing—there wasn’t even any chocolate milk involved in the spill.”

Experts predict the containment effort will stop the milk from spreading beyond the confines of Lag Dining, but only time will tell whether this spill be worse than the Juice Catastrophe of ’74.

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