Reminiscent of bat-boy legend Jake Newman’s phenomenal 1987 performance that propelled Stanford to a college baseball title, 12-year-old court mopper Devon Johnson led the Stanford Cardinal to its first men’s volleyball championship since 1978. Analysts agree that Johnson’s lightning quick reflexes to dash onto the court after each point and his nationally recognized squeegee ability provided Stanford with the unparalleled inspiration, and traction, to drive the Cardinal’s dominance.

“While the average spectator is wowed by the flashy spikes and digs coming from the players,” said head coach John Kotsky, “it’s keeping the court dry and safe that wins us championships – and that was our fundamental downfall until we brought on Devon this year.”

For 12-year-old Johnson, although his future with Stanford volleyball is uncertain, letting the national championship soak in is the first priority.  Devon forwarded this message, delivered by his mother, to the press. “I am not sure what I do next but it is happy now maybe I can come back to Stanford again.” Although NCAA regulations require Johnson to graduate from middle school before declaring himself eligible for a professional position, sources tell us that Johnson hopes to challenge the constitutionality of the stipulation.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events