When freshman Josh Crawford’s mother Lillian informed him that she would be attending Parents’ Weekend, he expected that she would spend her time exploring campus and buying him overpriced meals in Palo Alto. “I thought she would just act like a normal parent,” he told reporters, “but I guess I should have known better.”

Last Saturday, Josh returned to his room after a night on the row to find a black stocking tied around his doorknob. He immediately realized that he had been sexiled, but he initially had no idea who was in the room. “I knew it wasn’t my roommate in there since he’s a CS major,” explained Josh. Confused, Josh checked his phone and saw that his mom had sent him the following text message: “Met a hot dad on walking tour. No time 2 go back 2 hotel. U understand.” Angry and disgusted, Josh made his way to his dorm’s lounge, where he spent a restless night trying to block out an onslaught of disturbing mental images. 

On Sunday morning, Josh returned to find his room empty, with both his and his roommate’s sheets in disarray. He refused to see his mother again before she left, and two days later, still had not forgiven her. When asked about the situation, Lillian stated, “I don’t understand why Josh is making such a big deal of this. Honestly, I think he’s just upset that his 50-year-old mother is getting more action than he is!”

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