Among the students who flocked to Stanford’s fall career fair on Monday was freshman and Otero resident Mark Blumberg, who was overheard complaining to dormmate Stacy Gwyn that one page just wasn’t enough space to fit his accolades and extracurriculars, let alone his skills and experience acquired ‘outside the classroom.’

“I just did so many things in high school!” exclaimed Blumberg, arranging his resumes in individual laminated covers between his morning IHUM secction and the big fair. “I was in NHS and concert band. I took the SAT three times and need to include all the scores and subscores. Not to mention I was captain of JV cross-country my senior year.”

But even as recruiters squinted and broke out free novelty magnifying glasses to read Blumberg’s size-5 font, the well-rounded freshman was unimpressed. “I’m just not very happy about the swag they’re handing out to students. I mean, if TanZoo is willing to give me a 5 gb flashdrive just to talk to them, they must be pretty desperate. It’s sad really, and I don’t want anything to do with a company like that. After all, I was VP of my high school’s Entrepeneurship Club.”

Disillusioned but determined, Blumberg stated that, next year, he would probably just erect a stand for his own startup.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…