Lady Gaga won the World Series of Poker yesterday, decisively defeating Texas Hold ‘Em players from around the world in the televised event on ESPN. The key to Gaga’s success, her flabbergasted rivals seem to think, was not so much her natural card playing ability as it was her detached composure.

“Couldn’t read her, couldn’t read her, no I couldn’t read her poker face,” stammered longtime veteran Arnie Cornflower, stroking his mustache unhappily. “She may as well have been thinking of, I dunno, humanoid cats dancing erotically in a black and white checkered room or something fucking weird like that.”

Others agreed. “She played our psyches like she would play a catchy, synthesizer-based song with growling vocals—effortlessly,” lamented Skip Dickinson, who finished a distant second. “’A little gambling is fun when you’re with me’, she would taunt when she was trying to bait us into going all in. We didn’t have a choice.”

Many, including three-time champion Ricky Sarbaz, even cried foul, pinning the blame on Gaga’s erotic appeal—she wore a dress made out of translucent pink bubbles during a predominantly male tournament. “I don’t wanna accuse her of bluffin’ with her muffin,” Sarbaz said, “But she was definitely stunnin’ with her love glue gunnin’. No doubt about that.”

One shell-shocked old-timer appeared to be incapable of coherent speech as he left the tournament, shaking his head sadly. “Muh muh muh muh,” was all he could gasp out. “Muh muh muh muh”.

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