Malia and Sasha delivered the Republican response to the State of the Union this past Tuesday evening. They took a hard stance on many of the issues the president brought up, including the economy, illegal immigration, and health care.

“As is typical of the democratic leadership, Dad has shown that he is too paternalistic. For example, he makes us go to sleep too early,” said Malia. “And there are many glaring issues with his economic policy. He continues taking money from Americans who work hard for their money. I can tell you from personal experience how the president has taken my allowance and given it to lazier kids who don’t work as hard. The president is always telling us to share, but we know sharing is just another word for socialism.”

Sasha continued the criticism of her father, summarizing the Republican view on foreign policy and health care reform: “He won’t even let us use nuclear bombs on the bullies who are bothering us. He tells us that we should talk out our problems instead.” Sasha continued, “And on healthcare—Last week, Dad made me get a shot. Look, if I don’t want to go to the doctor or get a shot, the government shouldn’t make me. Overall, when we look at the President’s State of the Union, we see broken promises. He promised to take us ice skating, but he never did.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…