Wilbur Dining Hall has instituted a new policy to stop students from bringing back food to their rooms. “Students were becoming too bold, sneaking in Tupperware and just filling it with food out in the open. They weren’t even trying to hide their thievery,” reported one dining hall worker. “At least wrap it in a napkin and look sheepish when you walk by. Show us some respect.”

The sheer chutzpah of students inspired Stanford to borrow from everyone’s big brother, the TSA: Effective immediately, before students exit the Dining Hall there will be mandatory full-body scans and, “if they’re lucky, they’ll get a pat down from one of our super friendly and willing volunteers,” reported one Stanford Dining representative. Liquids will be permitted to be transported back to the dorm rooms, but they must be under 3 fluid ounces and put in Ziploc bags separate from all other items. “Three fluid ounces is the ideal amount to quench my thirst,” notes one Stanford student in response to the policy change. “Anymore than that and I might actually be hydrated, and who wants to pee after dinner anyway.”

Stanford students are already banding together and planning organized raids on the dining hall. “Stanford is really stirring the pot with this new policy,” yelled a zealous student. Factions have formed, including the Mexican food enthusiast group al-Queso, the more Middle Eastern food group, Hummas, and, of course, the dessert crowd, the Chochnyan rebels. Critics of the rebels are saying this is all “much a-chew about nothing.”

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