By Tony the Tiger
Over the past several decades I, along with my tiger brethren, have worked hard to give tigers a good name. For years we were frowned upon, viewed as carnivorous beasts, monsters who will stop at nothing for a morsel of food. Just look at how we were depicted: In The Jungle Book, brave little human Mowgli just wanted to be a mancub, and who wanted to eat him? Khan, the evil Tiger. When Dorothy was walking through the forest, what was it she was afraid of? Tigers. We were even grouped with lions—don’t even get me started on lions, they get Aslan, Simba, and Leo down at MGM, and what do we get? We get Disney referring to a tiger by the meanest, most discriminatory term for our kind, we get a *igger. You’d think they’d have learned from The Song of the South, but no. We get a character whose very name is the t-word one who embodies the worst, most obnoxious traits of tigers.
The point is, I have had to work hard to change our reputation. I even changed my diet. I changed from a healthy diet of meat to f***ing corn flakes! I changed my growl from a strong and fearsome battle cry to a catchy and lovable slogan. I essentially emasculated the public perception of the Tiger. It was working too. When people thought of tigers, they thought of me, or the adorable Calvin and Hobbes. But a few years ago, all of that changed.
In full disclosure, I thought all of our troubles were over when Woods entered the scene. A Tiger who golfed! I knew things were going to shape up. And they did. As Woods rose up in the world of golf, we enjoyed more popularity than ever before. And when he was inducted into the hall of fame, we were certain our reign wasn’t going to end any time soon.
We were wrong. Just days after Woods launched us to a new level of fame and support, he ruined it. Tigers were no longer celebrities, idols, or role models—no, we were beasts again. Crashing cars, cheating on our wives, leaving incriminating voicemails on the Internet! Despicable. Now, we are left in the uncomfortable position of forcing Woods to leave us once and for all. He may be a Tiger, and he may have propelled us to a world of popularity, but his actions are inexcusable, especially in a culture of tiger-discrimination. Accordingly, we have no choice but to cast him away. Tiger Woods is no tiger of mine. He does not represent us, and he is a disgrace to tigers everywhere.