It is 11:14 AM in Annenberg Auditorium. Professor Hussein begins to speak about the virtues of truth and morality, and one by one, his pupils pull out their MacBooks, MacBookPros, and their iPods, all set on proving their non-conforming, yet attentive, note-taking prowess. That was when it happened—Freshman Julie Spitler opened her computer—a machine devoid of the Apple logo. Yes, her computer was a Dell. At first she sat untouched—harmed only by awkward glances from fellow students, TA’s, custodians, and vampires alike. But thanks to the heroic actions of one brave student, all of this changed. International student Jose DeJalapeno immediately dialed 5-DELL and within minutes the Stanford police arrested, ID’d and detained Julie Spitler.

When asked about this heinous crime, President John Henessy responded, “This was an absolutely inconceivable breach of the Honor Code. To think that Spitler could bypass both our admissions office and campus security with such a façade is both frightening and intimidating. I mean, what if we let any student with a PC through our doors? I think by then we ought to name ourselves Berkeley.”

As punishment, Spitler was bombarded with pop-ups which stated she had won a free Mac. Then, instead of winning the Mac, she would get a virus. Unfortunately, she was asked if she was sure over twelve times before students gave up and instead threw cans of Spam in her cell. Mr. and Mrs. Spitler arrived the next day to bail their daughter out. They had the following to say “She was always a good kid. To think that she would actually be a demonic PC owner, well, that’s just not our daughter. I guess we should have seen it coming when she bought a Zune instead of an iPod. I mean, who in their right mind would do that?”

Julie Spitler will not be chanting “thirteen”. She faces criminal charges of disturbing the peace, public lewdness, and attempted manslaughter. She will appear in court October 11, 2009.

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