Last Saturday, over one million people worldwide marched in the Women’s Marches, protesting Donald Trump’s presidency and officially marking the successful end of women’s issues altogether. Such phenomena as unequal pay, objectification, sexual violence, the glass ceiling, general misogyny, and other bummer subjects are over. People everywhere are overjoyed that things are finally fair, and women can rest easy knowing that the men of the world will keep their rights safe for them in a special place only they know about.

Cindy Jenkins, local female and feminist, was one of these happy citizens. “Feminism worked!” she told reporters, “I’m just glad I can finally stop complaining in this shrill, man-hating voice! Now I’m ready to get back to what I love. Getting waxed, being quiet, and giving blowjobs.”

In addition to the many women and lesbians who marched, a lot of men showed up too, a gesture that the female population agrees was really, really sweet. It seems that women’s overwhelming emotional passion, combined with men’s natural leadership and math skills, led to the most amazing phenomenon of our century: women’s rights have finally been achieved in full.

“It all finally makes sense,” said Kyle Hazard, local man, “We should all have equal rights! I have this theory I came up with, about the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. It turns out that there is no difference between Man and Wo-Man. It’s really a good thing that I came up with this idea, or else who knows how long it would have taken!”

Women everywhere feel lucky and blessed to have their struggles behind them. The success of last weekend just goes to show, when all genders work together, men can make amazing things happen.

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