University Unveils Useless Construction Project

June 1, 2009 7:54 pm
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University Unveils Useless Construction Project

In the face of across the board cuts throughout the university, Stanford today demonstrated its commitment to useless construction projects.

The university today released a new plan to repaint all 4,375 lamp posts across campus. The lamp post project is part of the larger ambitious campus-wide plan to that includes a long list of useless construction projects. The decision comes amid budgetary cuts across all other university departments.

“When it came down to making a decision, we decided that having nicely painted lamp posts is more important than funding several new chairs in the humanities,” said one university official. “In the end it was really a no-brainer.”

Even amid bad economic news, the University has relentlessly pursued a spate of useless projects, from repaving unused basketball courts in Escondido Village to grading and re-sodding various unused patches of grass around undergraduate dorms.

“Don’t get me wrong, being woken up every morning by beeping trucks is much nicer than having to set my alarm,” said Brad Elliott (’10), “but I think funding our academic programs should come first.”

Elliott’s view are in the minority within the administration. Sources at the highest level said the university may make further cuts to the English Department to finance a university-wide project to repaint all parking spaces.

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