Last week, very, very white Junior Matt Taloman requested medical forms to be admitted pre-assignment to the four class dorm Okada. Taloman suffers from an acute case of yellow fever, a disease transmitted through mosquito bite whose symptoms include: headache, bloody nose, condemnation of capitalism, nausea, predilection to Hello-Kitty dolls, and sexual attraction to members of Alpha Kappa Delta Phi sorority.

In an interview, Taloman’s roommate Greg Yunderson reported how Taloman’s condition first became known to him. “I accepted the giant pink-and-purple Hello-Kitty poster on the wall and the daily readings from Mao’s Little Red Book,” he reports. “But after the bystander campaign, when I caught him looking at mail order brides on the internet, I knew it was time to contact the bridge.”

Admitting that he had yellow fever was the first step toward dealing with Matt’s problem. With the bridge’s support, Matt requested the assignment. Other students have requested pre-assignment for such conditions as gingivitis, jungle fever, social awkwardness, double-jointedness, hazelnut allergy, and computer science major.

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