In a recent study funded by Trojan and conducted by an independent research firm, Stanford was found to be the most sexually healthy school in the nation. Sitting on top of Columbia and Cornell for the first time gave administrators and students a very, very good feeling.

Unfortunately, recent information has emerged about the illegitimacy of Stanford’s ranking, leaving the university with not just one, but several warts on its record.

Statistics show that Stanford students use more condoms per capita than any other school in the country. While this may be the case, the study did not penetrate deeply enough to determine just how exactly those condoms were being used.

Although using condoms for sex is traditional around the globe, a significant proportion of Stanford’s condoms are devoted to more unorthodox purposes. A Stanford Flipside poll found that 36% of students who use condoms either blow them up or fling them at people while drunk, while only 54% use them for sex. Another 10% use them in art projects, science experiments, or motivational tools to wake up in the morning.

This new information has prompted Trojan to reconsider its decision to rank Stanford #1. Trojan CEO Mark Wolff blames what he called “Stanford goggles” for blinding him to the truth, but is also grateful, as those same goggles protected him from being squirted in the eye on several occasions.

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