The Flipside, diving deep into the bizarre and delusory depths of William Curry’s tenure, were investigating his old haunt in the Roble basement. Much to our surprise (and elation), Curry’s old room had a ménage à trois of new residents: these included Secretary of State Antony Blinken, Condoleezza Rice, Director of the Hoover Institution, as well as the former Stanford Tree, Jordan Zietz.
Jordan Zietz, surrounded by an array of interrogation tools, was particularly and repeatedly traumatized by a waterboarding tool called Tony’s Favorite Towel and a key to Connie’s Constrictor. He backed away with trepidation from these items, even after we removed his shackles. And he detailed to us the gruesome, vicious (and sorta hot, I guess?) techniques they used to keep him inside of a tree-shaped iron maiden–Connie’s Constrictor, waterboarding him endlessly while asking incessant questions about he Stanford Hates Fun initiative. The room was completed by speakers blaring Blinken’s original music (which can be found at Ablinken on Spotify).
While the Stanford Hates Fun movement has legitimate criticisms levied against it, Jordan Zietz, himself, was severely affected by days worth of torture from these political figures. He was nearly catatonic. After being nursed back to help by kisses on his forehead, gatorade, wise and kind words which revealed that his bros loved him, Jordan Zietz unfolded the cruel wet dream which had occurred to him over the past twenty for hours. In its scope and ingenuity, none of the Flipside Staff could ever uncoil such a psychologically traumatizing event from Zietz’ homeostatic sphincter. In short, we are not mental health professionals nor shall we ever pretend to be.
As awful as these techniques are, they are not technically breaking the Geneva Convention and so any of our attempts to rebuke the defiling of our yummy Zietz went unanswered. In response to his violation, Zietz performed a dance on his instagram story where with cornstarch and jewel pops he eviscerated several cardboard cutouts of Blinky-Babe and Ol’ Connie. But while I knew this miniature revenge helped assuage some of his more immediate traumas, there was an expression of hurt in his eyes I couldn’t pin down. He looked as if something yucky had been done to him. Extremely dirty, depraved, gooey, and nauseating.