University officials excitedly announced plans to convert Yost into a Totalitarian Socialist theme dorm for the 2013-2014 school year, citing “the opportunity to give students a great chance to broaden their world view by exploring and reading the narrow range of House-approved propaganda pamphlets.”

“We’ve got some great little devices involving rats in the basement for anyone who goes against The House,” said Comrade Sasha McHail, soon-to-be RF.  “Decisions will be made using a five-finger system–that is, you lose between 1 and 5 fingers for dissent, depending on the severity of your crime and the generosity of Our Great Leader.”

In addition to living in cramped concrete cells and submitting to weekly lie-detector tests, residents will have the opportunity to use communal showers, and to watch one of seven different films that conform exactly to the House’s ideology. Of course, open and honest conversation is welcome, so long as it does not stray in any meaningful way from the consensus of The House. As of press time, however, the project had received harsh criticism for being “basically just another E-2.0 Dorm.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…