Articles by: Devin Cintron

Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

January 28, 2017 1:07 pmComments Off on As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business
As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

At the Chuck-e-Cheese on Lorendale drive in West Bennet, the parking lot is full and children drag their parents back each and every weekend for more fun. This scene is just about the same in every town across America — even after years of operation, Chuck-e-Cheese is still reaping in […]

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A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

January 19, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You
A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

Have you always wondered how infants find it so easy to keep their weight well below 50 pounds? Well, our researchers have been huffing a shit-ton of gasoline this past year, so they did too. We conducted a study on the dietary habits of 35 Palo Alto infants ranging in […]

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Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”

January 10, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”
Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”
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White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival
White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire. Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s […]

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Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

12:00 pmComments Off on Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season
Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

Betty Peterson, 90, is quick to remind family and friends that she lives for only two things in this world: “playing bridge and getting belligerent.” Regarding last year’s holiday events, Betty’s youngest grandson Doug recounted: “Last Christmas, I asked Santa for a new skateboard. I was really excited to see […]

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OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

November 29, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue
OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

Black Friday sure is one grand American tradition! Thursday evening, sometime around my fourth or fifth sock of R.S. Hughes’ Finest Industrial Strength Modeling Glue, I remembered my list of the special holiday presents I had planned to purchase. And so off to the mall I went, merrily stumbling in […]

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Short Buff Guy Promises to Become Buffer, Shorter

November 28, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Short Buff Guy Promises to Become Buffer, Shorter
Short Buff Guy Promises to Become Buffer, Shorter
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Optimistic Marooned Sailor Thankful to Have Head Start on No-Shave November

November 7, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Optimistic Marooned Sailor Thankful to Have Head Start on No-Shave November
Optimistic Marooned Sailor Thankful to Have Head Start on No-Shave November

While most of us struggle with a case of the Monday blues, Seaman Harry Waltman – of the recently sunk SS Friedman – maintains a positive attitude regardless of his life’s current challenges. Despite having been stranded on a desert island for the past four months, Waltman is still able […]

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Campus Birdwatching Club Mostly Just Hungry Cats, Audit Finds

October 24, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Campus Birdwatching Club Mostly Just Hungry Cats, Audit Finds
Campus Birdwatching Club Mostly Just Hungry Cats, Audit Finds

In her most recent Fall audit, Stanford Club Compliance officer Kathie Terry discovered a shocking conspiracy surrounding the Stanford Birdwatching Club. “I had been eyeing the profile of this group for some time” reported Terry in her paper. “My first suspicions began when I inspected the club documents this past […]

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