Articles by: Devin Cintron

Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without

February 19, 2018 1:48 pmComments Off on Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
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Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

12:00 pmComments Off on Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform
Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

A warm glass of milk, a quick splash of water to the face, and the company of his stuffed childhood pal “Arnie the AR-15” – these are the rituals that have lulled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to sleep every night since he was a young boy. Only when clutching Arnie […]

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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch
Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and […]

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

December 4, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral
Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

October 16, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2
Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been […]

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Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

October 5, 2017 5:00 pmComments Off on Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg
Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

Gilroy, CA —  Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with […]

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Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

May 14, 2017 6:00 amComments Off on Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse
Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

Lomita Ct. Stanford, CA —  This past monday morning, the Kappa Alpha fraternity was formally presented with a colossal —  perfectly innocuous —  hollow wooden horse by Stanford’s new OCS executive administrator, Otis Ayus. In the context of Stanford Administration’s less-than-congenial relationship with Greek Life, some members in attendance of […]

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Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

May 1, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science
Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

Deaugh Laboratories, Seattle, Washington —  After nearly 15 years of research, Chief Scientist O. B. Vyuss and his team have concluded that children conceived in a Coachella tent really won’t have much going for them at all. The findings are to be presented at the 2017 Pacific International Scientist Summit, […]

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Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

January 28, 2017 1:07 pmComments Off on As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business
As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

At the Chuck-e-Cheese on Lorendale drive in West Bennet, the parking lot is full and children drag their parents back each and every weekend for more fun. This scene is just about the same in every town across America — even after years of operation, Chuck-e-Cheese is still reaping in […]

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