Articles by: Devin Cintron

Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

October 16, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2
Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been […]

Read more ›

Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

October 5, 2017 5:00 pmComments Off on Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg
Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

Gilroy, CA —  Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with […]

Read more ›

Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

May 14, 2017 6:00 amComments Off on Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse
Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

Lomita Ct. Stanford, CA —  This past monday morning, the Kappa Alpha fraternity was formally presented with a colossal —  perfectly innocuous —  hollow wooden horse by Stanford’s new OCS executive administrator, Otis Ayus. In the context of Stanford Administration’s less-than-congenial relationship with Greek Life, some members in attendance of […]

Read more ›

Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

May 1, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science
Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

Deaugh Laboratories, Seattle, Washington —  After nearly 15 years of research, Chief Scientist O. B. Vyuss and his team have concluded that children conceived in a Coachella tent really won’t have much going for them at all. The findings are to be presented at the 2017 Pacific International Scientist Summit, […]

Read more ›

Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

Read more ›

As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

January 28, 2017 1:07 pmComments Off on As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business
As Chuck-e-Cheese approaches IPO, competing chain Salmonella Sam’s struggles to remain in business

At the Chuck-e-Cheese on Lorendale drive in West Bennet, the parking lot is full and children drag their parents back each and every weekend for more fun. This scene is just about the same in every town across America — even after years of operation, Chuck-e-Cheese is still reaping in […]

Read more ›

A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

January 19, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You
A Milk-Based Diet Has Kept Babies Slim And Trim For Centuries, And Here’s How To Make It Work For You

Have you always wondered how infants find it so easy to keep their weight well below 50 pounds? Well, our researchers have been huffing a shit-ton of gasoline this past year, so they did too. We conducted a study on the dietary habits of 35 Palo Alto infants ranging in […]

Read more ›

Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”

January 10, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”
Endangered Rainforest Canopy Bird “Unfortunately Delicious”
Read more ›

White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival
White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire. Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s […]

Read more ›

Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

12:00 pmComments Off on Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season
Cool Grandma Plans To Get “Eggnog Blitzed” This Holiday Season

Betty Peterson, 90, is quick to remind family and friends that she lives for only two things in this world: “playing bridge and getting belligerent.” Regarding last year’s holiday events, Betty’s youngest grandson Doug recounted: “Last Christmas, I asked Santa for a new skateboard. I was really excited to see […]

Read more ›