Articles by: Devin Cintron

Annual Björkândet Festival Begins in European Country You’ve Never Heard Of  

May 21, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Annual Björkândet Festival Begins in European Country You’ve Never Heard Of  
Annual Björkândet Festival Begins in European Country You’ve Never Heard Of  

When the Gornūks fly and the smell of roasted Shmlengæn fills the air, everyone except you knows that it’s time again for the beloved Björkândet celebrations to start. The proud citizens of the European nation so well known for the festival have gathered in Düenkâlsheffen Square once again to light the Schrumdinküp flame and officially start the week of festivities.   “It’s the […]

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Former Frat Member Adjusts to Life Without Unfounded Arrogance

May 14, 2018 5:24 pmComments Off on Former Frat Member Adjusts to Life Without Unfounded Arrogance
Former Frat Member Adjusts to Life Without Unfounded Arrogance

This past week has been a tough one for Stanford Sophomore Kevin Bimtron after his fraternity had its charter revoked. Kevin, whose LinkedIn bio says ‘work hard, play hard’, has faced some difficulty in adjusting to the change. “It’s tough to deal with ya know? I just worry that the […]

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Spring Quarter Arrives and Loser Freshman Has Still Fucked Zero Professors

April 9, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Spring Quarter Arrives and Loser Freshman Has Still Fucked Zero Professors
Spring Quarter Arrives and Loser Freshman Has Still Fucked Zero Professors

As sunlight bathes a calm campus and young caterpillars rappel from awakening trees, freshman Kevin Morris reflects upon two prior quarters of failure. Morris, though having now been at Stanford for an entire seven months as he enters into spring quarter, has somehow still not had sex with a single […]

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Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without

February 19, 2018 1:48 pmComments Off on Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
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Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

12:00 pmComments Off on Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform
Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

A warm glass of milk, a quick splash of water to the face, and the company of his stuffed childhood pal “Arnie the AR-15” – these are the rituals that have lulled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to sleep every night since he was a young boy. Only when clutching Arnie […]

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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch
Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and […]

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

December 4, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral
Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

October 16, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2
Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been […]

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Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

October 5, 2017 5:00 pmComments Off on Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg
Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

Gilroy, CA —  Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with […]

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Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

May 14, 2017 6:00 amComments Off on Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse
Kappa Alpha Only Mildly Concerned by Admin’s Gift of Large Wooden Horse

Lomita Ct. Stanford, CA —  This past monday morning, the Kappa Alpha fraternity was formally presented with a colossal —  perfectly innocuous —  hollow wooden horse by Stanford’s new OCS executive administrator, Otis Ayus. In the context of Stanford Administration’s less-than-congenial relationship with Greek Life, some members in attendance of […]

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