In Effort to Reduce Transport Numbers, ResEd Bans Transports

March 4, 2019 7:00 pm
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In Effort to Reduce Transport Numbers, ResEd Bans Transports

“We are thrilled to have arrived at such an innovative update to our drinking policies,” Vice Provost Susan Brubaker-Cole wrote in her most recent ResX Planning Update Email. “Our administration is now taking yet another thoughtful step to reduce dangerous student drinking by prohibiting it – a tactic proven effective time and again in all of human history. By banning transports, we are confident that we will reduce the number that occur and thereby solve the student alcohol problem.”

This announcement comes at a time when ResEd, ResX and Stanford’s Student Affairs have all received an unfair amount of criticism they simply do not deserve. A number of unruly, irresponsible students have questioned the recent activities of this office which include:

  1. A very reasonable and not-at-all confusing unhousing/rehousing encounter with TDX
  2. Another very reasonable, non-at-all confusing unhousing/rehousing encounter with Outdoor House
  3. A non-intrusive, only vaguely panopticonic policy in which Freshman dorm RAs are stipulated to track all student drinking on excel sheets that will never get leaked
  4. A stronger implementation of the sensible hard alcohol ban of 2016 (Prohibition of this kind has historical evidence backing its success, see United States 18th Amendment)
  5. A general policy against large scale student events and visible drinking, born out of an effort to push student drinking back behind closed doors where it goddamn belongs

ResEd and Vice Provost Brubaker-Cole continue to demonstrate a sensible and modern approach to student wellbeing. This recent administrative accomplishment is complemented by their grand success in solving all of Stanford students’ mental health concerns by offering students free Boba tea and the option to drop out.

Reportedly, ResX’s meeting minutes also included a plan to promote healthy student behaviors with a mascot named Albert the Abstinence-Only Clown. A napkin with the phrase “Poison in The Beer?” and “Natural Selection” scribbled on it was also allegedly found just after the meeting concluded. All things considered, this is an administration Stanford students can be proud of amid record high transport numbers.

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