Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

May 16, 2016 12:00 pm
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Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

Whispering “Kobe” as the crumpled defense deployment report floated effortlessly into his trashcan, President Obama silently savored a hushed air-punch Sunday after daring a long-range basketball-style shot from his desk to his wastebasket.

“I’ve been trying to sink one like that since the debt ceiling crisis,” Obama said, leaning back in his chair with his hands folded behind his neck. “Looks like daddy’s still got it.”

The shot came after a tumultuous week in Washington, with North Carolina filing suit over the so-called “bathroom laws”, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff facing impeachment, and the 2016 presidential campaign raging without pause in the background.

“I’ll call Ash back in a minute,” Obama said, dismissing his Chief of Staff’s insistence that he join a teleconference between Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter and his Brazilian counterpart. “I want to let this one sizzle.”

A known basketball enthusiast, Obama has long been rumored to halt cabinet meetings for impromptu bouts of “boxing out” Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Vilsack, of course, is allowed to reply to shouts of “CAN YOU STOP THE BARACK TRAIN?” with only a humble, “No, Mr. President.”

Sources on the ground report that Obama put his feet up on his large cedar desk, gazed out his window, and sighed. “Once I’m out of here,” he whispered, “it’s just me and the court again. Just me and the court.”

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