Car Won’t Start, Loser? Try Fucking It!

June 22, 2020 3:08 pm
Car Won’t Start, Loser? Try Fucking It!

Fuck you! You fucking shit! That’s right, fuck you, you big baby! You whiny little baby, crying about how your car won’t start—you are pathetic. You are dumb and a nerd. But it’s okay, loser! Step one to fixing your car is to fuck it. Roll down your sad loser […]

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Porn Site Releases New “Step-Daughter Teaches Racist Step-Uncle About Slavery and The Legacy of Anti-Black Racism in the US” Video Series to Educate White People About Racial Disparities in American Society

3:06 pm
Porn Site Releases New “Step-Daughter Teaches Racist Step-Uncle About Slavery and The Legacy of Anti-Black Racism in the US” Video Series to Educate White People About Racial Disparities in American Society

Protests have recently erupted all across the United States as the structural forces upholding racism in American society were laid bare once again by the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. This has prompted some white Americans to critically re-examine their relationship to racial privilege, but many […]

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Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry

3:03 pm
Provost Drell Confronts Racial Injustice with Sock Puppetry

Responding to the protests that have emerged in the wake of George Floyd’s death, Provost Drell’s latest email to the Stanford community featured a number of Stanford administrators giving voice to various civil rights leaders in sock puppet form, such as Susie Brubaker Cole as Rosa Parks, Marc Tessier-Lavigne as […]

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Statement of Ambivalence from White ASSU Leadership

June 1, 2020 5:00 pm
Statement of Ambivalence from White ASSU Leadership

Dear Stanford Community, As you know, many events impacting the Black community at Stanford and nationwide have recently taken place, from professors exercising their freedoms of speech to Zoom-bombings, and now the outbreak of protests originating in Minneapolis. We, the white leadership of the ASSU, are writing you today to […]

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Duck Ass got no Binnis Bein’ this BOUNCY

May 28, 2020 3:22 pm
Duck Ass got no Binnis Bein’ this BOUNCY
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Disappointing: Susie Brubaker-Cole’s Latest Video Got Under 5k Likes so She Put Down her Dog

3:18 pm
Disappointing: Susie Brubaker-Cole’s Latest Video Got Under 5k Likes so She Put Down her Dog
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Class Ends after Student DM’s Zoom professor ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’

3:16 pm
Class Ends after Student DM’s Zoom professor ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’

According to multiple reports from amazed students and distraught TAs, a single Stanford student recently crashed a massive CS107 Zoom lecture by DM’ing the phrase ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’ to a professor over Zoom chat. “I will never reveal my true identity. You may call me Oblivion,” […]

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Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

3:13 pm
Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

Citing a vague need to “spice things up”, Stanford has released a version of Zoom exclusive to the university that allows students to gain additional features. To promote student involvement in this initiative, professors have also been given access to various tools designed to increase the “enthusiasm factor” of online […]

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Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

3:10 pm
Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

I have a confession to make. I suspect it’s it a subject weighing on many of our minds, and I have finally mustered up the courage to admit it. Sometimes, this secret gives me great shame. I frequently find myself waking up in a cold sweat, covered in tears and […]

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Op-Ed: I Tried Returning to Campus for My Stuff, and Now I’m Imprisoned in the Prison from the Stanford Prison Experiment

3:05 pm
Op-Ed: I Tried Returning to Campus for My Stuff, and Now I’m Imprisoned in the Prison from the Stanford Prison Experiment

As soon as I entered campus, I felt eyes begin to follow me. When I’d first decided to drive down from Oregon to pick up a few things from my dorm room, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I really only had to clear out a sleeping […]

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