Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

December 3, 2018 7:00 pm
Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

A recent press conference ended in mayhem after White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted to a gathered crowd of journalists that everything she said was false, even this. “I speak no truths, yet even then // Mine riddles trick the mind again,” a smirking Huckabee Sanders explained to […]

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450 Heterosexual Females Not Matched in Marriage Pact All Get Free Teslas

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450 Heterosexual Females Not Matched in Marriage Pact All Get Free Teslas
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Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

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Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

The end of fall quarter is coming, bringing along with it an unhealthy amount of final projects, exams and presentations. For most students, these alone are enough to drive them to mental breakdown, obsessive ingestion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and late nights freebasing powdered sugar in the kitchenette to stave […]

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Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

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Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Between the gluttonous binging preceding gut-wrenching regret and the inevitable turkey drops that everyone saw coming, the holiday break brought few shockers outside of typical turkey-centric expectations. In the tradition of ceremonial turkey pardons, President Trump shocked no-one in selecting to pardon two White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant […]

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Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

November 27, 2018 7:00 pm
Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

In a perplexing turn of events Friday before break, sophomore Billy Redrick’s enthusiastic “hello” caused unwarranted levels of emotional distress for another student’s normally relaxing ride around campus as she was forced to consider what level of friendship would require her to stop her bike. “When he shouted “hello” and […]

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Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

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Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

In a stunning turn of events last Friday, a potential intruder on Stanford’s campus was utterly foiled by the heroic appearance of a door alarm. The unidentified trespasser, who has been described as a person of indeterminate gender and race between the ages of zero and sixty-nine, was seen attempting […]

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Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

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Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

Shocking news this Monday! The Stanford Thieves Guild, established in 1921, finally had its charter revoked by University administration after its leader Master Thief Klepto Bria allegedly attempted to steal President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s family jewels. The Thieves Guild had been one of Stanford’s oldest official student organizations, and the revocation […]

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Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

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Trump’s Closest Aide Revealed to be Racist Magic 8 Ball

At long last, all has been revealed. Thanks to an anonymous tip from a member of the White House staff, President Donald Trump’s closest friend and advisor — who has evaded the public eye almost as well as Trump has evaded impeachment — has finally been revealed to be a […]

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Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

November 22, 2018 1:00 pm
Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

With political polarization at a fever pitch, it sometimes feels like there’s no middle ground between Democrats and Republicans. And things are only getting worse, if this latest scandal is any indication — after Senator Bernie Sanders offhandedly mentioned that he doesn’t like anchovies, America’s conservatives have taken it upon […]

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Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

November 20, 2018 1:00 pm
Camp Fire Gets “A Little Out of Hand,” Incinerates West Campus

According to several recent reports, the Johnson family campfire is “kind of becoming a problem.” What began as a nonthreatening combination of four moist twigs and a fake candle has morphed into “a bit of a national menace, more or less,” according to father Marty Johnson. Johnson admitted to having […]

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