An Open Letter from Susie Brubaker-Cole: It is With a Heavy Heart That I Must Solemnly Declare That No ““Fucking”” Is Permitted to Occur on This Noble Campus

October 2, 2019 12:00 pm
Susie (Susan Jean) Brubaker-Cole  VICE PROVOST FOR STUDENT AFFAIRS

Friends, Cardinals, countrymen—lend me your ears! The trials and tribulations of this first week have no doubt been many, from classes scheduled to take place in nonexistent buildings to freak bicycle collisions with clowns carrying large panes of glass across the road. But, in the wake of Beyond Sex Ed, […]

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Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

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Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

The early reports are in, and it looks like everyone’s worst suspicions have been confirmed: Seth Delgado, that weird finance bro from your dorm who’s always talking about the Dow Jones and who wears Joy Division tees underneath crisp blazers, is telling everyone that he worked at Bane (Batman villain) […]

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Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

June 10, 2019 3:00 pm
Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade, John Ernest Steinbeck Jr. has won the less-than-competitive fiction prize awarded to a marginally literate undergraduate every year. “We were really struck by his submission ‘The Vigilante,’” said one judge. “His nuanced and thoughtful treatment of themes such […]

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Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”

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Israel and Palestine Come Together to Chill, Play Volleyball in First-Ever “Camp Stanford Accords”

In what has been dubbed the “the chillest camp since David,” heads of state from both Israel and Palestine met on Wilbur Field this week to play volleyball, smoke weed, and just generally kick back after a stressful quarter in the first-ever “Camp Stanford Accords.” Explained University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne, […]

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FroSoCo Preassignees Mistakenly Assigned to TDX

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FroSoCo Preassignees Mistakenly Assigned to TDX

On Tuesday, Residential Education acknowledged that several who preassigned to the Freshman-Sophomore College (FroSoCo) were mistakenly assigned to Theta Delta Chi (TDX) due to a “procedural data entry error.” ResEd has reviewed its procedures and discovered a flaw in their method of assigning students to campus residences. “We typed it […]

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Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

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Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

Look, I was disappointed at first about my draw number of 8310, but turns out living in Vice Provost for Education Harry Elam Jr.’s kitchen isn’t the worst thing in the world. He gives me back rubs every day and it almost makes up for the fact that he’s manacled […]

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iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

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iCarly Under Fire for “Truth Behind 9/11” Vlog

Teen vlog star Carly Shay — popularly known as “iCarly,” after her eponymous web series — has found herself in hot water this past week after airing an 80-minute segment entitled “The Truth Behind 9/11: What the Lizardoids Don’t Want You to Know About the Sixth Tower: Fahrenheit Two Billion: […]

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Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

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Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

When you first see a math problem on the impending Math 51 final, how will your piddling neurons respond? Upon reaching a particularly tricksy question, will your simple brain opt to solve it? You moron. You fool. You absolute shitbrain. I’ve moved far beyond such base concerns, for you see, […]

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Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

May 31, 2019 12:00 pm
Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

In an attempt to try to restore popularity to the discipline of computer science here on campus after the crushing blow of the removal of the popular CS+X program, Stanford’s CS department has announced its plan to provide subtitles with every lecture recording with an added twist: these subtitles will […]

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