Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

May 21, 2019 5:00 pm
Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

There’s this part in the New Testament where Jesus rips off a chunk of his body and turns it into Communion wafers and is all, “Yo, eat some of my flesh!” And while some “progressive” Christians want to claim that that’s a metaphor or whatever, those sadsack excuses for Jeliebers […]

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Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pm
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pm
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

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I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

April 17, 2019 2:48 pm
I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

I’m sick of it all. I quit. I came here out of admiration, appreciation. The first time I laid eyes on Thomas the Tank Engine—that perfect azure coat, the gentle curve of the wheels, the soft yet piercing smile on that round, round face—I knew he was perfect. And things […]

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Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

April 16, 2019 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: Today I Was Arrested at Tresidder For Throwing My Trash in the Wrong Bin

Look, I get it, but when the cops accost you two seconds after throwing away your Aquafina — it’s always Aquafina! — in the compost instead of whichever one it’s actually supposed to go in, you realize something about man’s vision of heaven. And lemme tell you: it ain’t pretty. […]

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Op-Ed: My Alternative Spring Break Was Gladiatorial Bloodsport, and It Was Life-Changing

April 9, 2019 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: My Alternative Spring Break Was Gladiatorial Bloodsport, and It Was Life-Changing

When I looked around me at the end of last quarter, you know what I saw? A bunch of slobs, groupies, and good-for-nothing scum who weren’t planning on doing jack-diddly with their week off. Take a break from academics? Spend time with friends and family? Find a spare second to […]

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Op-Ed: The Male Orgasm is a Myth

February 11, 2019 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: The Male Orgasm is a Myth

I’d had my suspicions for a while, but I hadn’t had any proof. Maybe it was the way my boyfriend Matt was only willing to plonk me if the lights were off. Maybe it was the blatant photoshop they use in porn. Maybe it was the way that SHPRC kept […]

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An Open Letter to the Degenerate Fuckstick who Stole our Box of Flipside Prints

February 4, 2019 7:00 pm
An Open Letter to the Degenerate Fuckstick who Stole our Box of Flipside Prints

You rodent. You scum. You absolute filth. You just had to do it, didn’t you. Yes, you—the one wearing the rolled up canvas capris, the ‘Camp Stanford’ t-shirt, a baby blue Aeropostale jacket, glasses with no lenses, and a stickered Hydroflask in your hand. We know what you did, and you […]

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Dear 106A Section Leader: Karel Took My Virginity and I Think I’m Falling for Her

January 28, 2019 7:00 pm
Dear 106A Section Leader: Karel Took My Virginity and I Think I’m Falling for Her

Dear Scott, I know you’ve only been my section leader for a couple of weeks, but you’re the only one I feel comfortable talking to about this. Something happened last night, in the wet darkness of my dorm room while my roommate slept, blissfully unaware. I was writing code in […]

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Op-Ed: We Need Kardinal Normal Sex

December 3, 2018 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: We Need Kardinal Normal Sex

It’s hard to be a vanilla, cisgender, heterosexual woman or man at Stanford University in 2018, when it feels more and more like the queers and kinksters are taking over—not only discourse on gender and identity or aspects of media and culture, but even sweet, simple act of intercourse itself.  […]

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