Op-Ed: My Super Exclusive Internship with NASA Was Just Cancelled So I Guess I’m Stuck Slumming It in My Huge London Flat

May 11, 2020 9:10 pm
Op-Ed: My Super Exclusive Internship with NASA Was Just Cancelled So I Guess I’m Stuck Slumming It in My Huge London Flat

So there I was, just sitting in my trophy room in my super big house where all the celebrities live just watching ESPN’s top 10 plays from my little league season back in ’07 when the president of nasa snapchats me that my exclusive internship this summer is cancelled cause […]

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Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

9:08 pm
Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

I’m just writing this so all of you know that, even though I won’t be working at NASA this summer, I was totally going to. Just to be clear, I was chosen from a very large applicant pool of hot geniuses because I am the best. And also, I am […]

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Op-Ed: I Had the NASA Internship Where They Make Me the Astronaut, But Then It Got Canceled Because of Coronavirus

9:07 pm
Op-Ed: I Had the NASA Internship Where They Make Me the Astronaut, But Then It Got Canceled Because of Coronavirus

Okay, I’m pissed. One month ago, I had this summer all figured out: women, white claw, and the most prestigious NASA internship that they have, where they make me the big astronaut who goes up into space with the fast rocket ships. But thanks to this “corono virus,” there will […]

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Op-Ed: I woke up too early and I accidentally saw the Easter Bunny busting eggs out of its cloaca

April 26, 2020 11:03 am
Op-Ed: I woke up too early and I accidentally saw the Easter Bunny busting eggs out of its cloaca
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An Ode to the Brick of Black Tar Heroin I Left On My Desk

10:59 am
An Ode to the Brick of Black Tar Heroin I Left On My Desk

If only I had known our time together was to be cut short so soon.  I remember you as if it was yesterday, sitting precariously on the corner of my desk, winking seductively in the half-light of the morning. Just the night before we had met under the brightness of […]

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I’m Pro-Circumcision in the First Trimester

April 19, 2020 3:12 pm
I’m Pro-Circumcision in the First Trimester
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Op-Ed: After Seeing Each Democratic Candidate Eat a Cinnamon Roll at Last Week’s Debate, I Know that Pete’s the One

March 1, 2020 10:44 am
Op-Ed: After Seeing Each Democratic Candidate Eat a Cinnamon Roll at Last Week’s Debate, I Know that Pete’s the One

Maybe you were surprised last week when the host of last week’s Democratic debate passed around a cinnamon roll to each candidate and asked them to show how they would eat it. Well, I wasn’t. I knew that this was a moment of truth. That there’s something crucial revealed in […]

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Op-Ed: So What If I Put Sweet-and-Savory Ham, Black Forest Turkey, a Delectable Cheese Selection, and Honey Dijon on My Pop Tart?

10:26 am
Op-Ed: So What If I Put Sweet-and-Savory Ham, Black Forest Turkey, a Delectable Cheese Selection, and Honey Dijon on My Pop Tart?

Sandwich-making is a secret lore, a tradition, an art— and though I must work with imperfect ingredients and facilities, only a poor artist blames their tools. It’s my love of the sandwich which fuels me, not some vain indulgence which takes gluttonous joy in using only the priciest parts. ’Tis […]

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Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

February 14, 2020 9:52 am
Op-Ed: I’m an Assistant Professor and I Show You I’m Cool Through My Hip Emails

Hey, little dude. It’s me, your assistant professor in his mid-thirties, the one with the cool bolo tie. I’m just writing up this quick little email to let you know that I’m super young and relatable. I’m you in five years, or maybe twelve. I sign my emails with my […]

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Dear SCR: If I Use Dark Magicks to Infuse an Unholy Flesh-Golem with a Soul, But Abort the Ritual Prematurely, Is That Murder?

January 24, 2020 9:55 am
Dear SCR: If I Use Dark Magicks to Infuse an Unholy Flesh-Golem with a Soul, But Abort the Ritual Prematurely, Is That Murder?

Prithee listen, thou kindly Stanford College Republicans, and heed my request for your counsel. I have initiated magicks most foule that — shouldst they continue undisturbed — will seize upon some lost soul from the aether and bind it, helpless at my hands, to a husk of flesh and fluid […]

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